How to Change Someone Else

Who in your life, needs to be changed?  Your mom, your dad, spouse, sibling, boss or co-worker?  It doesn’t matter, this process is guaranteed* to work on almost everyone!    Is your mom too controlling or your dad too distant?   Does your sibling or co-worker whine too much?  Is your spouse too messy?  Now, there’s hope! 

Before we go any further, I would like to make one or two disclaimers here.   Most likely this process will not work on sexual predators, bank robbers or murderers, but I am going to guess that my audience,  in general, does not associate with these.  Also the process will not work on people who suffer from any type of severe psychological disorder or on anyone who is addicted to drugs, alcohol or anything else.   If you are in a work or personal relationship with someone who is addicted or depressed, encourage them to seek professional counseling.  Then, seek out a good counselor or coach for yourself to help you establish healthy boundaries with this person. 

The first thing you will need to do is determine who will be your first subject/target for this project.  It is likely there is more than one person you want to change, and while you could attempt to change all of them at the same time.  I suggest you work on changing one person at a time.

Once you have chosen your subject, you will be ready to begin.  Follow each step to the letter,  no matter how uncomfortable it may feel to you.  The best results are achieved when this process is practiced for a minimum of 30 days.

  • Make a list of all the things that infuriate, bug and irritate you about this person.  Don’t hold back, let all your thoughts flow on the paper.  Make the list as long and as detailed as you like.  Count the number of grievances you have against this person.  File this list away in a file cabinet or other storage place. 
  • This step is critical in the changing someone else process.  On a second sheet of paper, using the total number of grievances you outlined on the previous list, make a list of the aspects of that person that you see as positive.  For example, if you listed 20 things about the other person that you do not like, then you will need to list at least 20 things about this person that you do like.  Need some help?  At what tasks are they skilled or what aspects of this person are tolerable to you on a “good” day?   Even if the only attributes you can think of are things like they dress neatly,  have clean fingernails or you notice they keep their desk tidy.    I promise, if you set your personal opinion of the person aside, you’ll be able to find their good/acceptable qualities.  Everyone has some good qualities.  Keep this list in a place where you can easily access it whenever you have the opportunity to be around your subject.   
  •  Each time you are in a position to interact with this person, remember your list of positive thoughts about him or her.  When you witness your subject demonstrating one of these positive aspects of himself, put a check mark next to it on your list.  Oh, and if you notice something else about this person that is a positive quality, add it to your list.
  •  When he or she acts in a way that makes you grit your teeth,  clench your fists and begin to get that desire again to strangle them, walk away.  Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water.  Whatever you have to do to physically remove yourself from the situation, do it.  (Of course, if what they are doing will cause someone else to be maimed or killed, you must intervene. Otherwise, let it go and let things take their natural course.)
  •  This step is the most difficult part of this process and it takes humility, courage and a willingness to have a better realtionship with the people you share your life with.   This step requires you to make at least one authentic, kind and uplifting comment to your target person each day that you are with them.  You must do this at least 30 times.  Refer to the second list you created for ideas to support you in coming up with authentic words of appreciation.

After a 30 – 60 days period, you will be amazed to find that your subject/target has completely changed!  No longer will you be stressed out or angry around this person.  You might even discover that you can’t recall what they used to do that drove you so crazy.   You’ll notice all kinds of health benefits too from the reduced stress in your life.  It’s almost magical! 

Wow!  Why does this work so well?  How is it possible?  It’s possible, because we get what we look for in others, in circumstances and in ourselves.  When we focus on what annoys us about another person or situation, that is all we notice.  We become jaded and discount or ignore all the good qualities of that person or circumstance.  Our judgemental thoughts come out in the way we relate to people and situations.  It comes across as disinterest, disgust, rudeness and insensitivity to the other person’s feelings or their circumstances.   I have found that people who focus intently on the short comings of others tend to be even more harsh with themselves.   Criticism of self and others does not lead to growth or self-confidence, but authentic appreciation and compassion for others definitely does lead to self-confidence and growth. 

By the way, if you do not see amazing results at the end of 60 days, you probably skipped a step or two or only made a half-hearted attempt.   Another 60 days or so of this process may be needed to get the results you would like to see.  

*Your Guarantee:  If you use the FREE process described above and do not see a significant change in the way you feel around your chosen subject in 60 days, please write to me for a full refund.

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